Tom working from home with Shoulders the cat
I've been putting off writing this blog. There have been so many things whirring around my head about how to address what has been an incredibly strange and tough year (and a bit) for most of us, I didn't really know where to start. So I ended up plumping for honesty. So here goes…
It's been tough, really tough, mentally, emotionally, even physically. The initial, almost excitement that the first lockdown introduced. A whole new way of life of working from home and being with my wonderful fiancé and silly cat all day soon gave way to mood swings, feelings of dread and despair and feeling pretty useless in a world where most of us were simply forced to stay at home and sit back whilst our Emergency Service and other key workers continued to keep some version of a country running (for which i will forever be grateful).
My mood has, and continues to, swing all over the place. I find it easy to go from fun-loving Tom to dark-and-irritable Tom in the space of a few minutes. I sleep and then can't sleep. I go to bed early as there's 'nothing to do' even though there is obviously always something to do. I find joy in finding new things to try, an online club night or a game of Risk via webcam with friends. I then remember how much i hate Zoom calls now and refrain from doing the things i enjoy for weeks on end! Then i remember how lucky we are to live in an age where Zoom exists and we can at least see loved ones faces despite being miles apart.
Nothing has felt normal. At the moment nothing feels like it ever will be again. Perhaps what the pandemic has reminded me is my need and desire to try new things. I've taken up a sewing course, recently spent hours cycling to places I never thought I'd get to from home (London to Cambridge, anyone?!) and actually had some really fun and silly times with my partner at home, most memorably recreating the introduction sequence of The Crystal Maze for a quiz we did with some friends!
Choir has been an odd one. The initial busy rush having to cancel and stand down multiple events and rehearsals turned into resilience planning for a few weeks, which turned into months and now years. I've felt proud how a number of us have stuck with it, creating our own videos and audio tracks from home and staying engaged to keep the spirit alive. I've felt annoyed and disappointed that others haven't done the same, questioning if it's something we did wrong and could we do more to keep people engaged. But I reminded myself that this is a strange and weird time for us all, we are all on our own journey and not everyone is going to enjoy online activities. Truly, online rehearsals are no replacement for the joy of singing alongside others brings, and that is why the majority of us are in the choir, the community, friendship and laughs we all share, it cannot easily be recreated online.
So, what now? I'm still not OK, but going back into work occasionally is definitely lifting my mood. I have fallen back in love with London again, changing my route into work to take in a walk through a quiet Covent Garden is delightful. Exercise has massively helped me, and I'll be forever grateful to my bestie for helping me get back into that habit again and build my confidence back up. And, should all go according to plan, we'll be back singing and rehearsing again in the next couple of months! Even just writing this down now it really lifts me to think about belting out a few Met Police Choir classics alongside my choir pals (I'll put to one side the anxiety of how much planning will be required to deliver this though, that's to worry about for another day, hah!)
So, there's my honesty. Maybe not the most uplifting piece I or others expected to write, but honest none the less. My advice: don't be afraid to tell people you're not OK. Something my fiancé said to me recently really stuck. We are so used to saying 'I'm good thanks' when someone asks after us. He said it's likely that nobody really is at the moment, we've all been through a lot and we're likely to have all been affected fairly deeply. I'm going to keep that in mind for a long time to come, trying really hard to recover from these past months, hopefully surrounded by the ones I love and care for the most
Take care everyone. Tom x